How Could They Turn Their Back On Me? – I Will Never Understand Why Most Of My Friends And Family Abandoned Me When I Needed Them Most
Something I have been thinking about lately is the idea of friends and family. Old friends, family members, and how they have completely abandoned me during the last 7 months. First off, not all of them have hung me out to dry or thrown me under the bus, but most. I am so grateful to the ones who have looked at me for the person I am and not for the things I have done. The truth is, we all have made choices that are embarrassing, we all have made decisions that were not good for ourself or others around us.
I have come to realize, again, that forgiveness and acceptance are so very difficult for most people. I am thankful to have lived through some extremely traumatic and difficult times because they have taught me empathy, compassion, acceptance, and true forgiveness among other lessons.
It is very difficult for me to know many in my life I loved deeply and cared about greatly have completely abandoned me during my time of recovery. I am stronger because of my mother, my father, my stepmother, my few friends who love me the same and always will. I am so thankful they are people of great character and treasure their honesty and the relationship I have with them even more so than I did before.
I have a true appreciation of those who do not let the struggle of someone provide a reason for them to completely turn their back on a person they have known for years. I am not what I have done, those were just actions, most of which have been completely fabricated and blown out of proportion and embellished. I have been a horrible wife and a shitty mother for the last few years and I know this to be true because I have spent most of my adult life being a wonderful wife to my husband and a loving and caring mother to my children.
I was lost, covered up, enveloped in a deep and paralyzing depression and anxiety I could not fight or get out from under. I have been able to process some horrific and traumatic events I experienced 20 years ago and work through them to finally uncover the blanket of isolation and depression from over myself. I have been struggling with this for so long and giving and giving and giving to everyone else until I awoke one day to realize I had nothing left to give. I had nothing for myself.
I had no tools, no way to cope with life, no skills or knowledge of how to deal with my feelings and my hurt from my younger years. No one is or was to blame, I was simply stuck, paralyzed and afraid to ask for help. I was screaming for help at the top of my lungs each and every day but in the quietest, muffled voice imaginable. I truly believe my husband, who loves me more than anything, was helpless. He did not know what to do. I was drowning in a foot of water and could not get my feet underneath me to stand up and save myself.
Oh how I wish someone would have done something. Oh how I wish he would have jumped in and reached out his hand for me to grab hold of, but he did not. I am in no way upset with him and truly thank him every day even though I cannot speak to him for a few more months. When I can finally talk to him, legally, I will tell him over and over thank you for saving my life, because he did just that. I was on the path to death and destruction for myself. I was convinced the happy times in my life were over and nothing would be good or great ever again. I was being punished and felt that I deserved this punishment for I was worthless and should only have suffering in my life. I was so wrong and it took all of the pain I endured and all of the unknowns still today to bring me to an understanding and acceptance of myself.
I am amazing. I am so worthy of happiness. I am destined for greatness. I cannot wait to share with him this new person I have uncovered. I cannot wait to see the joy on his face when he sees the light shining from within me and all around me. I look forward to the day when I can share with him because he is my best friend.
It is so difficult to be away from him now and not to know what his mindset is and for him not to know what mine is. He is my treasure and I want to help him in his struggles now, but I can only control what I can. I accept that I cannot offer any change or support to him yet. The day is soon approaching and I patiently wait with a warm and open heart. The gratitude I feel in life today is unquestionable. I had to give everything away in my alcoholism to be in a position with just myself and my thoughts to really see that there was hope for me and I truly never had to feel like that ever again.
Alcoholism has given me a purpose. I have spent so many years struggling to find a purpose and a passion to no avail. I wanted to be passionate about my husband’s business and to help him continue to grow and expand. I did enjoy working with him everyday and truly loved making him happy, but in the end even that was not enough to dig myself out of the hole I spent 10 years forming. I love him with all of my heart and only hope he will enjoy meeting this new person I have uncovered and become. She was a stranger to me and I am so thankful she is here now.
On one hand I am amazed at my life now and even though I am in a position with literally none of what I have spent the last 12 years building and achieving, I have never in my life been happier. I am no longer isolated. I am no longer depressed. I am no longer suffering from uncontrollable anxiety and judgment. I have found a new freedom and a new happiness. Although there are still speed bumps along the way, they are only obstacles, not walls. I have had a difficult time finding employment because all of my eggs were in one basket. The work I did was for my husband’s company and because of the legal restraints I was unable to continue working in that profession and could not use that on my resume or as a reference either. I have been left abandoned essentially.
I am not angry, nor have I felt any resentment or anger during this time. I am eternally grateful to have the opportunity, with the court’s help (LOL), to have found my true self, my true passion, my hidden talents if you will. I have been searching and searching and searching for my self esteem everywhere I could think to look and was unable to find it for many years. I am so appreciative I have it now.
The promises the program of Alcoholics Anonymous speaks about are so very true and happening all around me everyday if I choose to open my eyes and see them. I have always been so intelligent and so very good at math, but I have spent years unable to count my own blessings. Everyone has a different path to recovery and each of us has our own life story. It takes everything that it takes for each one of us and for me, it took giving everything away and spending some time in custody the beginning of this year to finally have a clear mind and a clear understanding of what I wanted from life, how to get it, and what I could contribute.
I feel sorry for those I have known so well for many years. I do not understand, nor will I, why they have decided to pretend I do not exist. I have been asking myself why hasn’t anyone reached out to see how I am or to ask what really happened. Do they not want to know the truth? Are they afraid I am angry? Do they really not care? I have decided, it doesn’t matter. My life has been growing better and better each and every day in sobriety and I could not have ever imagined the opportunities I have now.
I am so blessed beyond words and could not have envisioned I would have been able to touch so many lives through sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I feel sorry for those who have decided to ignore my existence. I have compassion for them and hope they can uncover the positive mindset I have found. I do not wish for them to have to undertake the same experience I had to go through to feel how I feel today. But, I do think about them each and every day and truly believe if they are willing and if they choose to they can truly find happiness in their lives as well.
My step father always told me “the truth comes out in the end” and he was so very right. I have no shame or guilt or embarrassment for myself like I had before during my drinking. I have been relieved of the mental obsession of drinking and depression and resentment and anxiety and am at peace and excited for the future. I love doing things and going places, as long as it does not interfere with my AA meetings and my sobriety. Life is amazing now and the success and opportunities are astounding. I would have never guessed I would have the opportunities to really help change other people’s lives for the better that I do now.
When the shit hits the fan you definitely find out who your true friends are, and I certainly have. My hope is those people will see the light and know that I will always be here for them. I hope my husband will truly think about what reality is and what reality he would like to have for himself, for our children, for us, for our future.
Although I cannot go back and change the past events I can and choose to make a new and brighter future for myself. I pray that does include those people I care about. I would like to continue imagining a future with my in-laws, with all of my friends, with my best friend-my husband. I do not understand why some of my loved ones, I have spent many, many years with, have not reached out, and I probably never will know why. I am curious, I am hurt, I do not understand. I go back and forth each and every day as to whether or not I should reach out and make contact.
I truly do not know what to do, but it is a hurt I hope they never experience in their lifetime. In reality, life is oh so short and the greatest illusion is the thought that we have more time. My only fear today is that something will happen to someone I care about before I have the chance to see them or speak to them again, especially my husband. I spend hours each day asking that nothing happen to him before I have the opportunity to speak to him again in January.
Honestly, my life has changed and the way I live my life has changed. My recovery is paramount and first priority. As much as I would love to continue those relationships so dear to me and those I have had for so many years, if my recovery cannot be supported and others find it more important to drink or live in a negative way, I will not be able to allow them in my life.
There is just too much at stake for me today. I have gone through one hell of a time finding the person i have been meant to be all along and am not willing to give that up for anyone or anything. I refuse to walk back toward the abyss and misery my life was. I refuse to go back to a situation or relationship that is negative and toxic. No one should ever have to live like that and I know I never have to live like that again.
So, in conclusion, I do not know why so many have left me sitting on the shelf as if I don’t exist at all, but you better believe the clock is ticking down to the time for me to be present again and I am not sure you have a ticket on my train any longer.